Back to the Mat
April 26, 2011
Remember when I pledged to exercise twice a week? Yeah, well, I kinda fell off the wagon. I got distracted by work and that got me out of the habit of going. Yet, here I am 3 months later and I still haven’t been back to class. Oh and I’m still a wreck. Technically, I’m probably worse off now. Once I got out of the swing of things, I couldn’t recover. I couldn’t come up with any sort of motivation to go. I just kept coming up with excuses. My excuses ranged from legitimate (crazy busy) to irrational (I don’t have the right clothes).
A few weeks ago someone made a comment about the way my body looks and it was really hurtful. I honestly don’t have body image issues in regards to weight. I really could care less about what the scale says. In fact, we don’t even own scales. However, I have major issues with how my body looks after having a Cesarean section. It was, by far, the most traumatic event of my life and I’m still dealing with the repercussions of it 4+ years later. Maybe one day I’ll get brave enough to blog about it. Either way, the above comment hurt me deeply. It made me want to completely turn into myself and give up all hope on correcting this deformed body of mine.
Then I read this post. The author talks about how she got started in yoga and her very first class. She attended out of sheer desperation; rather, sleep deprivation. She writes, “I was on my mat and that was enough for me.” It was encouraging to read her story. It made me miss yoga and it reminded me that we all have to start somewhere. Granted, I don’t have aspirations like she did to achieve a certain pose but I know the benefits of yoga and I wanted them back.
Lately, I have been feeling pretty darn awful. I’ve been having afternoon and evening headaches nonstop. I have zero energy and my motivation is nil. With summer quickly approaching, this is a bad combination. I’ll never keep up with my 4 year old during the hottest months of the year gimping around like this. I feel like I haven’t been able to think clearly for weeks. I can tell that my body isn’t working at it’s optimum level and it’s getting problematic. I’m also dealing with some personal, family, marital, and parenting drama so I feel emotionally drained as well. Plain and simple, I feel toxic inside and out.
I looked at the calendar and realized that I have barely a month remaining until school is out. I’ve been holding on to a monthly pass (thanks Run Daisy) and decided to redeem it starting today. I had to have a long, hard talk with myself about why I was going back. In the end, I decided I had to let some things go. Mainly, I had to let go of the idea that I can change my body image. That C-section scar isn’t going anywhere. Besides, I made up my mind a long time ago that exercise is for my health. For me, it’s more about feeling good rather than looking good. I just needed a reminder.
So, I showed up for class today in my unflattering, not exactly yoga clothes (seriously, who cares?) and got on my mat in that hot room for the first time in three months. I am pleased to report that the heat still didn’t bother me. I love it toasty. I could still breathe. Granted, my breath was all over the dang place but I didn’t feel that I was suffocating like I did on my very first hot yoga class (quick shout out to Hannah!)
Another fear I had to face was that I would be the student who couldn’t make it through the whole class and everyone would stare. You know what? I was totally that student today and I just let it go. I had to listen to my body and it was nauseous as all get out. Almost every pose had me thinking I was gonna toss my breakfast right down onto those pretty hardwood floors. I tried to breathe through it and hold the pose but I couldn’t. I sat down a lot. A lot. This was just confirmation that my body is as toxin-filled as I feared. While I wish I could have performed every pose, I knew that just being in that room was a step in the right direction. Sweat is a natural detoxifying measure of the body and I definitely had that going for me.
Finally, I had to deal with the fact that I wouldn’t have perfect poses. My body is weak, my muscles are tight, and my stamina is low. In the mirror, my form looked hideous. It was SO bad! I modified what I could and didn’t worry about the rest. Just let it go.
So, it wasn’t graceful by any stretch of the imagination, but I survived my 1st day back to hot yoga. It can only get better from here, right? Right?! Please say yes. I still need encouragement to go back on Thursday and as often as possible for the next 4 weeks.
3 Comments
Sonya
I am proud of you for overcoming all of these obstacles. It will get better and you will start to feel great.
Indie
I skipped out on yoga for a couple months and just went back last night. I had to rest several times and I'm sore today. So I'm right there with you.
Shirley
pap paw would tell you like he use to say. I think i can, I think, I can as he was walking in the house trying to make it to the bathroom after walking. You can do it.