Doubts, Joy, Faith & Trust

I still haven’t pulled the trigger on un-enrolling Skylar from Stanford. I’ve really started to question why. So, my thought process went a little something like this. Be warned, it gets a little heated in my head. It’s also pretty comical up there. 

Why haven’t you dis-enrolled her yet?

Obviously, I’m scared. 

But why? 

There is no plan B. Once I pull her out, I can’t put her back.

Why would you want to put her back?

For starters, it’s the only Montessori school we can afford and I do love Montessori. And, what if I just can’t handle schooling her and doing my job at the same time?

But it’s been going fine so far, right?

Yes, but I’m waiting for it to suck. I’m waiting for her to declare that she hates homeschool and she misses her friends and I’m a bad teacher and this was just a horrible idea because it’s impossible to do school + work and then I’m stuck with her at home for the next 10 YEARS and I will have to quit my job and we will be broke. 

Is it a horrible idea?

No, it’s a good idea. There are a million benefits to homeschooling and very few benefits to public school. 

Then why are you still considering putting her back at Stanford?

BECAUSE IT’S FREE CHILDCARE AND I CAN DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND QUIET!

Ah, I see. At least we are being honest now. Is having peace & quiet for your job worth sacrificing your child’s education and well being?

Not really, but it’s easier for me. 

That part may be easier but what about all of the other things that public school makes more difficult?

You make a good point. But, what if this isn’t what the Lord wants for her? What if I’m doing all of this out of convenience for me?

Why would you think God doesn’t want you to homeschool?

Because he hasn’t given me a clear sign. I don’t have peace about it like I thought I would. I’m still scared. 

What would you consider a clear sign?

Um, a large, flashing, Vegas-style sign that says either “Homeschool” or “Stanford”. That would be super!

Yeah, I doubt that’s gonna happen. Why do you need a sign?

Because I’m scared that if I don’t follow His will that I will pay for it down the road. 

Why would you think that? Has it happened before?

Yes, there have been times that, even when I thought I was following the lead of the Holy Spirit, somewhere along the way something difficult would happen that made me question if I was even listening to His directions in the first place. Maybe, instead, I had decided a plan and asked for God’s stamp of approval rather than letting him direct me, and now I’m paying for it. 

****Folks, this is where the A-Ha moment happened.**** 

Do you think that maybe Satan was trying to steal your joy…. and you let him? Did you get discontent when things got uncomfortable instead of trusting that God had you exactly where you needed to be?

Again, you make a valid point. Let me think on that for a bit. 

*******************************

And I did think on that for a bit. I went back over several of my life scenarios and I decided that in many, if not all, of them Satan was stealing my joy. I would let one hiccup ruin the entire experience and, therefore, I would question whether I was even on the right path. 

I’ve said from the beginning that this is going to be a leap of faith. It’s possibly the biggest one of my life so far. Like, HUGE! Major!

I have a feeling that I’m not going to have any peace until I do the deed and withdraw her from Metro. The lingering possibility that I could send her back just causes me to dwell on the “what ifs” and that’s causing doubt. 

This is definitely a trust issue so I think I’ll do just that. Besides, I’m counting on the following two verses to hold true now and forevermore. 

Proverbs 16:9 – A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. 

Psalm 37:23-24 – The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.

AND THAT WHOLE “NEW MERCIES” THING? Yeah, I gotta have that. Fo Sho!